This GivingTuesday, help break the cycle of abuse 💝

Today on GivingTuesday (December 3, 2024), WomenSV is joining the global movement of generosity. Together we can make a difference in the lives of survivors of covert abuse and coercive control, ensuring they find the knowledge, resources, and support to break free.

Covert abuse and coercive control have a devastating impact on the lives of survivors. With your help, WomenSV can continue to provide critical education, resources, and training that empowers survivors and their communities to recognize and address these subtle yet harmful forms of abuse. Help support domestic violence prevention and education by making a donation to WomenSV today.

This GivingTuesday, your donation can make a life-changing impact. Contributions from our community make it possible for us to:
💜 Connect survivors with a directory of resources and keep expanding our online database of tools and services to address coercive control
💜 Train therapists, physicians, police officers, teachers and other service providers to recognize and safely address subtle yet dangerous forms of abuse
💜 Develop educational programs such as our upcoming Executive Summary Workshops for survivors and providers

Here’s how you can join the movement:
💜 Give: Make your donation here!
💜 Engage: Subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok to stay connected.
💜 Share: Share our posts and resources with your loved ones to help amplify our message that survivors are not alone and help is available.
💜 Spread the word: Please tell your friends and family why you believe in our work and encourage them to support us too!
💜 Continue the conversation: Talk to your loved ones about coercive control, covert abuse and other subtle forms of abuse to raise awareness. You can make a difference by letting survivors know they are not alone and there are resources that can help.

Your support makes it possible for us to empower survivors, service providers and communities with the knowledge and resources to break the cycle of abuse. We depend on community support to keep going; every contribution directly supports our efforts to advance our mission and help survivors like Laura:

"WomenSV was literally a lifesaver. Living in a world of covert deception and abusive tactics is soul squashing and WomenSV allowed me to find validation and resources while I try and be a mother in an intense dynamic. I am able to learn to find joy again, self care, and most importantly stop the cycle of violence in raising up the next generation by having peace in our home now."
-Laura*

Knowledge is power and our mission at WomenSV is to lift women up with that knowledge and power so they can find their own way to freedom. Together, we can break the cycle of violence and create a future where everyone feels safe and respected. 

Your support can change lives and bring hope to those in need. Every act of generosity counts, and every donation has a meaningful impact on our mission.

Impact of coercive control and domestic abuse on mothers and children

Mothers and their children are disproportionately impacted by domestic violence, including more subtle forms of abuse such as coercive control. In this video Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, discusses the dangers and early warning signs of controlling relationships. This essential information helps empower us to recognize abuse and keep our families safe.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
5:22 DV statistics
7:39 Importance of recognizing red flags
12:54 Equality wheel
14:38 Power and control wheel
19:22 Types of abuse
22:11 Cycle of abuse
28:42 Legal definition of DV in California
29:58 Family Code 6320
36:35 Coercive control
54:40 Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study and health risks of DV
1:23:00 Resources for DV survivors

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• Donate to support our program and services here!

• View our directory of resources for domestic abuse survivors

• Follow us on social media!

WomenSV Founder Ruth Patrick Darlene's Technology Abuse Resource Guide

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Cybersecurity Awareness Month. At the intersection of these is an increasingly prevalent issue: technology abuse. Also known as technology-facilitated abuse, technology abuse is a tactic used by tech-savvy abusers to monitor, stalk, control, and harass their partners. As Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit focused on covert abuse and coercive control, Ruth Patrick Darlene has dedicated her life to raising awareness around subtle forms of domestic abuse. Having heard hundreds of stories from survivors of technology abuse, she is committed to educating survivors, providers and the general public about how to recognize warning signs and stay safe.

Ruth Patrick Darlene founded domestic violence nonprofit WomenSV to educate survivors, providers and communities about subtle forms of domestic violence such as covert abuse and coercive control. When coercive control is present in an intimate partner relationship, the abuser will employ a variety of tactics to intimidate, manipulate, isolate and control their partner. Technology abuse is a particularly insidious tactic that can occur during an abusive relationship - and even after the relationship ends.

Survivors of technology abuse report feeling confused, trapped and helpless by this invasive, crazy-making form of intimate partner violence. If you have experienced technology abuse, it's important to remember that you are not alone and help is available. With the right tools, knowledge and resources, it is possible to protect your cybersecurity and restore your sense of personal safety.

WomenSV compiled this resource guide to help make information about technology abuse more accessible to domestic violence survivors and their communities. This guide will cover the definition and tactics of technology abuse, actionable steps survivors can take to protect themselves, and resources for those in need of assistance.

What is Technology Abuse?

Technology abuse is an alarmingly common phenomenon in which abusers misuse digital tools to monitor, stalk, harass, control or inflict abuse on a current or former intimate partner. Unlike overt, physical forms of abuse, technology abuse often operates in secrecy, making it difficult for victims to identify the source of their distress. Common tactics include hacking personal devices, surveillance through hidden cameras, cyberstalking on social media, and controlling smart devices to harass victims remotely.

The impact of technology abuse is profound. Victims report feeling violated, helpless, and often begin to doubt their sanity, especially when they realize that even their devices are under the control of their abuser. This insidious form of abuse creates an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty, isolating survivors from friends, family, and resources.

“Many of the women I’ve worked with have experienced years of sophisticated technological abuse,” reports Ruth Patrick Darlene, describing stories that range from phone monitoring to a hidden camera in a shower head. Recognizing the tactics and red flags of technology abuse are key to identifying this bizarre behavior and informing safety planning strategies for survivors.

Common Tactics in Technology Abuse

Abusers leverage various technologies to control, intimidate, and surveil their victims. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most prevalent tactics used in technology abuse:

1. Hacking and unauthorized access

Abusers may gain unauthorized access to their victim’s phone, email, social media, or financial accounts, allowing them to monitor messages, transactions, and even GPS locations.

2. Social media harassment and cyberstalking

Technology abuse frequently extends to social media, where abusers may harass or cyberstalk victims. This can include sending threatening messages, spreading harmful misinformation in smear campaigns, or even creating fake accounts to monitor their victim’s online activities. Smear campaigns are often mounted against a survivor who has escaped an abusive relationship as a revenge tactic by their former partner. In these cases, abusers will attempt to regain control, perpetuate the abuse and isolate their victims by dismantling the survivor’s support system through the spread of false information.

3. Non-consensual image sharing

A particularly distressing tactic involves sharing intimate images without consent or threatening to do so. This could include real images or digitally altered, AI-generated content that abusers use to coerce and humiliate their victims. AI deepfakes and undressing apps have been used to extort and humiliate victims, damaging their mental health and reputation.

4. Surveillance and tracking devices

Abusers use devices like hidden cameras or tracking technologies, such as AirTags, to monitor their victims without consent. These devices can be concealed in common items or vehicles, creating an atmosphere where victims feel constantly watched. Survivors have found hidden cameras in phone chargers, smoke detectors, alarm clocks and even inside lightbulbs.

During a training for domestic violence advocates, Ruth Patrick Darlene shared the story of a survivor who had relocated to a new state in order to flee from her abuser, only to find a tracking device had followed her to her new home: “She was in the Safe at Home Program and thought she was really safe now, and then she discovered that he’d planted two AirTags in her car to stalk her.”

iPhones now have the ability to automatically detect nearby AirTags, so it’s important to investigate any AirTag notifications that pop up on your phone.

5. Smart device manipulation

Abusers exploit smart home technologies to control various aspects of their victim’s environment. This could involve adjusting thermostats, turning lights on and off, or even locking doors remotely. In vehicles with GPS-enabled devices, such as Teslas, abusers can track the victim’s location.

“Survivors have even been gifted Teslas by their partners,” Ruth Patrick Darlene elaborates. “It seems nice on the surface, but then they wonder, ‘How does he know where I am, even when I leave my phone at home?’ Well, he’s got the Tesla app on his phone, and he’s stalking her in real time. Sometimes they turn that into a way to torment her, making the windows open and close as she’s driving, or honking the horn remotely.”

6. Spyware and keystroke logging

By installing spyware or keyloggers on devices, abusers can monitor their victim’s keystrokes, screen activity, and browsing history, leaving survivors feeling helpless and violated.

Ruth Patrick Darlene warns that covert abusers can be especially sneaky, installing malicious software under the guise of being helpful. “He might say to his partner, ‘Here, let me help you, I’ll install that software for you.’ She might want software installed on her computer to prevent malware from infecting it, and she doesn’t realize that her boyfriend has also put keystroke logging software on her computer. Now even if she changes her passwords, he’ll have access to her new passwords as well.”

Recognizing Technology Abuse: Warning Signs for Survivors

Understanding the warning signs of technology abuse is a crucial first step in reclaiming control. To identify technology abuse, domestic violence survivors can look out for unusual behavior from their devices or suspicious activities online. Common warning signs include:

• Receiving notifications about unfamiliar login attempts on personal accounts.

• Unusual device behavior, such as apps opening unexpectedly or battery draining rapidly.

• Seeing posts, messages, or other content online that only someone with private knowledge could know.

• The abuser knows personal information that the survivor has not shared, such as locations or plans.

• If any of these red flags are present, it may indicate technology abuse, and taking immediate protective steps is essential.

Tips for Protecting Yourself from Technology Abuse

Survivors can take steps to minimize the risk of technology abuse, but these measures must be approached carefully to avoid detection by the abuser. Here are some key strategies:

1. Enhance password security

Avoid sharing passwords, and use strong, unique passwords for each account. Consider using a password manager to securely store and manage passwords.

2. Limit device access

Avoid allowing anyone, including a partner, to install apps or software on your devices. Be wary of “location-sharing” apps or tools that claim to promote transparency but could be misused for monitoring.

3. Protect financial information

Use bank alerts to monitor transactions, especially for financial abuse victims, and ensure online banking is protected by multi-factor authentication.

4. Monitor for tracking devices

Regularly check personal belongings and vehicles for tracking devices like AirTags. iPhones and some Android phones can detect nearby AirTags; learning how to check for these devices is a crucial safety measure.

5. Secure your images and online presence

Avoid sharing intimate images, especially digitally, where they can be exploited. If you must share an intimate image, avoid including your face or other identifying information.

If images have been shared non-consensually, seek resources to remove them and report the violation. Stop Non-Consensual Image Abuse and Take It Down are two resources that help survivors with this process.

When posting on social media, make sure not to share your location, or any details that could help a stalker determine your location, in real time.

6. Report the abuse

Reporting threats and content policy violations to authorities and social media platforms is another important measure that survivors can take to protect themselves. Unfortunately, these reports do not always result in a desirable level of action, but at the very least it can help build a record of the abuse that might be helpful should the behavior continue or escalate.

Many jurisdictions have laws against cyberstalking, cyberbullying and cyberharassment. Checking the laws in your area can help to determine if criminal activity has occurred and what legal recourse might be available.

7. Seek assistance for compromised devices

If you suspect your device is compromised, consider using a separate device outside of your home, such as a library computer or a trusted friend’s phone. Consulting cybersecurity experts, like those from Operation Safe Escape, can help secure your technology safely.

8. Consider getting a burner phone

In cases of extreme surveillance, purchasing a low-cost burner phone stored in a Faraday bag (which blocks signals) can provide an essential layer of privacy for sensitive communications.

9. Keep a physical record of important documents in a safe place

If you suspect that your devices have been compromised, you may want to find a safe, secure, private physical location to store sensitive documents.

Technology Abuse Resources

Survivors of technology abuse can access numerous resources to aid in their journey toward safety and security. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV reference the following key resources:

• Operation Safe Escape: This organization provides support specifically for survivors dealing with technology-facilitated abuse, helping them assess, secure, and manage their technology safely.

• Safety Net Project Technology Safety & Privacy: A Toolkit for Survivors

• Technology Safety & Privacy Resources from NNEDV (The National Network to End Domestic Violence)

• Stop Non-Consensual Image Abuse and Take It Down: Provides assistance for victims who have had intimate images shared without consent, offering support to remove these images and advocate for their rights.

Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV on the fight against technology abuse

Ruth Patrick Darlene founded WomenSV to raise awareness around subtle forms of domestic violence, including covert abuse and coercive control. WomenSV educates survivors, advocates, providers and community members about the many different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, psychological, verbal, financial and technology abuse. Having listened to many survivor stories involving technology abuse, she recognized the urgent need for education and resources.

At WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene is developing educational programs to provide accessible knowledge of technology-facilitated abuse. She trains providers working in healthcare, law enforcement and domestic violence advocacy to identify technology abuse and effectively support survivors. Without this knowledge, providers risk incorrectly dismissing reports from survivors as paranoia, preventing them from receiving the support they need. “It’s easy to look paranoid when you are in this type of relationship,” Ruth Patrick Darlene explains. “Sometimes you think your every move is being watched, because it is.”

WomenSV's educational efforts empower survivors and the providers that serve them to recognize what is happening and take action to protect their safety. WomenSV offers a comprehensive approach to fighting technology abuse, including:

• Educating survivors on how to identify signs of technology-facilitated abuse.

• Training cybersecurity professionals, technology companies, healthcare providers, law enforcement officials, court staff and domestic violence advocates on the nuances of technology abuse.

• Providing accessible resources for those impacted by technology abuse.

• Raising awareness in the general public about the prevalence of technology abuse.

WomenSV’s goal is to transform how communities understand and address technology abuse, creating a framework for identifying and combatting this modern form of domestic violence. This approach emphasizes that help is available for survivors, and with the right knowledge and resources, they can reclaim their autonomy.

WomenSV aims to empower survivors, educate communities, and create a safer environment where technology abuse is no longer an invisible threat. During her training sessions, Ruth Patrick Darlene teaches healthcare providers, law enforcement officials, cybersecurity professionals, court staff and advocates to recognize technology abuse as a legitimate form of domestic violence.

Through WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene helps providers and advocates to identify, understand, and respond to technology abuse effectively. She has also implemented community outreach initiatives to destigmatize survivor stories, emphasizing that technology abuse survivors deserve to be taken seriously. WomenSV’s website offers a directory of categorized resources, with a dedicated section for technology abuse. The organization’s social media campaigns focus on raising public awareness, spreading the message that survivors are not alone, and providing information about available resources for support.

Advocating for Change

As technology advances, so do the tactics used by abusers. Advocating for policies and protections against technology abuse is a crucial step toward safeguarding survivors. WomenSV and Ruth Patrick Darlene’s work highlights the need for ongoing education, resources, and systemic support.

Community members, friends, and family of survivors can contribute to this mission by becoming aware of the signs of technology abuse and supporting the organizations and individuals working to combat it. By fostering an environment of empathy and understanding, we can support survivors in breaking free from the control of technology abuse and reclaiming their lives.

Ruth Patrick Darlene’s dedication to exposing technology abuse and supporting survivors through WomenSV shines a light on a hidden and growing issue. By understanding technology abuse, identifying its warning signs, and utilizing available resources, survivors can regain control over their lives. Technology, while powerful and pervasive, should not be a tool of control but rather a means of empowerment. WomenSV’s efforts remind survivors and advocates alike that technology abuse can be fought, prevented, and ultimately overcome.

In today’s digital world, knowledge is power. With support, education, and resources like those offered by WomenSV, survivors of technology abuse can navigate a path toward safety and freedom.

Apply for the Live Your Dream Award

Soroptimist International is currently accepting applications for the Live Your Dreams Awards now through November 15, 2024.

A Live Your Dream Awards finalist has the potential to receive up to $16,000 to help offset tuition costs, purchase books, get transportation, or find reliable childcare so she can worry less about how to pay her bills and focus on reaching her dreams.

• Click here for eligibility and application information.

• PDF: Eligibility checklist

• PDF: Informational poster

Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Explains Covert Abuse Dangers and Warning Signs

Covert abuse is an often hidden yet highly dangerous form of coercive control. Unlike physical abuse, covert abuse doesn’t leave visible scars or bruises, but its emotional and psychological impact can be devastating. It's a manipulative, insidious form of abuse that chips away at the victim’s autonomy, confidence, and mental health, often leaving survivors feeling isolated and powerless. Ruth Patrick Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, is working to raise awareness about covert abuse, its associated dangers and warning signs to watch out for.

What is Covert Abuse?

Covert abuse is a type of intimate partner violence (IPV), yet it rarely leaves forensic evidence behind. Unlike physical abuse, which often leaves tangible evidence, the damage done by covert abuse is internal. Using manipulative tactics, covert abuse erodes a survivor's self-esteem, confidence, support system, and independence over time. Also referred to as covert coercive control, emotional abuse or psychological abuse, covert abuse represents subtle behaviors that are threatening, controlling, isolating and manipulative.

Covert abuse may take many forms, including:

• Gaslighting: A tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their perceptions, memories, or sanity.

• Grooming and love bombing: At the start of the relationship, the abuser may overwhelm the victim with affection and attention, creating an emotional dependency that can later be exploited. “Over time, you start to see that the purpose of the charm, charisma and love bombing is to drown out your inner voice,” Ruth explains.

• Mean-spirited teasing and derogatory comments: The abuser may disguise harmful statements as "jokes" or "teasing," undermining the victim’s self-esteem.

• Controlling behaviors disguised as "suggestions": The abuser subtly controls the victim's actions, often framed as suggestions, leading to isolation from friends, family, and activities.

• DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender): A tactic where the abuser denies their abusive behavior, attacks the victim for raising concerns, and portrays themselves as the victim.

Covert abuse operates through a pattern of subtle manipulation, which escalates over time. The goal of the abuser is to control their partner while maintaining a façade of normalcy, often leaving the victim feeling confused, ashamed, and isolated.

The Dangers of Covert Abuse

Covert abuse is especially dangerous because it’s difficult to recognize and address. Abusers often project a charming or innocent image to the outside world, while using manipulative tactics behind closed doors. This secrecy makes it hard for victims to explain the abuse or find support.

Erosion of Self-Esteem and Autonomy

Over time, covert abuse strips away a survivor’s sense of self-worth, leaving them dependent on the abuser for validation and approval. By undermining the victim’s confidence and autonomy, the abuser gains control over their actions, thoughts, and emotions.

Gaslighting and Manipulation

A hallmark of covert abuse is gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their reality. Victims of covert abuse may feel like they’re “walking on eggshells,” constantly trying to avoid conflict or upsetting their partner. This gaslighting often leads to feelings of shame, confusion, and self-doubt, making it difficult for survivors to articulate what they’re experiencing.

Smear Campaigns

Covert abusers often use smear campaigns to discredit and isolate their victim. By spreading lies or manipulating others, the abuser can damage the survivor’s relationships, reputation, and even career. These smear campaigns often intensify after a relationship ends, as the abuser attempts to regain control by continuing to harass or discredit the victim.

The Physical and Mental Health Impact of Covert Abuse

Covert abuse takes a significant toll on both the mental and physical health of survivors.

Mental Health Impact

Survivors of covert abuse often experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The constant manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse can leave victims feeling trapped, hopeless, and unable to trust their own judgment. This psychological toll can have long-lasting effects, even after the survivor has left the relationship.

Physical Health Impact

The stress of enduring covert abuse can also manifest physically. Survivors may experience chronic pain, fatigue, and an increased risk of autoimmune diseases. The constant anxiety and fear associated with covert abuse can also weaken the immune system, leading to a range of health issues.

The Impact of Covert Abuse on Children

Covert abuse doesn’t just affect the intimate partner—it also impacts children who witness the dynamics of coercive control in their parent’s relationship. Children who grow up in environments where covert abuse is present may experience anxiety, depression, and trauma, which can affect their mental health well into adulthood.

Children may also internalize the abusive dynamics, leading to difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life. The cycle of covert abuse can perpetuate across generations if not addressed.

Stalking and Technology-Facilitated Abuse

Stalking is another form of coercive control, and a common behavior in cases of covert abuse. Abusers may use technology to track the victim’s location, monitor their communications, and control their actions. This form of technology-facilitated abuse can make it even harder for survivors to escape, as they may feel constantly watched and unable to maintain their privacy.

Stalking is a serious crime, yet it’s often ignored or not taken seriously enough by authorities. Alarmingly, the majority of homicide cases involving intimate partners include a history of stalking. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a domestic violence survivor, and stalking can increase the lethality risk during this period.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the importance of safety planning before, during and after escaping an abusive relationship. “With a covert abuser, they don’t forget, they don’t forgive, they don’t release, they don’t move on.”

Lethality Risk in Covert Abuse Cases

While covert abuse doesn’t necessarily involve physical violence, it’s still associated with significant lethality risks. In fact, the risk of homicide often increases after a survivor leaves an abusive relationship, as the abuser may escalate their controlling behaviors in an attempt to regain control.

According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, covert abusers often view their partners as objects or resources to be used and controlled. “They treat their intimate partner like a possession, like something to use and use up,” Ruth explains. “And what is the ultimate right of property ownership? The right to dispose of it. And that’s what makes covert abuse and coercive control a lethality risk.” When an abuser feels like their control is being threatened, or that their possession is no longer useful, they can become angry, vengeful and dangerous.

Warning Signs of Covert Abuse

Recognizing covert abuse can be challenging, as it’s often subtle and disguised as normal relationship behaviors. However, asking yourself the following questions can help identify early warning signs:

• How do you feel after spending time with your partner? Do you feel happy and respected, or do you feel uneasy, anxious, or like something is “off”? Pay attention to what your gut feelings and intuition are telling you.

• Does your partner engage in love bombing? Excessive romantic gestures at the start of a relationship may seem flattering, but they can also be a tactic to create emotional dependency and drown out your inner voice.

• Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells? If you’re afraid to upset your partner or constantly worried about their reactions, this is a major red flag of covert abuse.

• How does your partner react when things don’t go their way? If your partner gives you the silent treatment, makes disparaging comments, or uses manipulation when they don’t get what they want, it’s a warning sign of covert abuse.

• Are your daily activities controlled by your partner? If you’ve stopped seeing friends, engaging in hobbies, or dressing the way you like out of fear of your partner’s disapproval, it’s a sign that your autonomy is being eroded.

Overcoming the Challenges of Covert Abuse

Survivors of covert abuse face unique challenges in explaining their experiences to others. The subtle, manipulative nature of covert abuse makes it difficult to articulate the abuse in a way that others understand. This can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and frustration.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the importance of education in overcoming these challenges. By learning about covert abuse and its warning signs, survivors can begin to recognize the patterns of abuse and take steps toward healing and regaining their autonomy.

Covert Abuse Survivor Resources

WomenSV shares a range of resources to help survivors of covert abuse, including:

• Safety planning: WomenSV offers safety planning resources to help survivors escape abusive relationships safely. Planning an exit is crucial, as leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time for a survivor.

• Support groups: WomenSV maintains a list of support groups where survivors can connect with others who have experienced similar abuse. These groups provide a sense of community and help combat the isolation that covert abuse creates.

• Education: Learning about covert abuse is an empowering way for survivors to understand their experiences and release the shame and guilt they may feel. WomenSV emphasizes education as a key tool for preventing future abuse and supporting survivors in their healing journey.

• Directory of resources: WomenSV maintains a searchable directory of resources with organizations and services available to covert abuse survivors.

• Executive Summary Workshop: WomenSV’s Executive Summary Workshop program helps survivors document their abuse in a concise, two-page summary. This can be a valuable tool for survivors when seeking support.

By using manipulative and subtle tactics, covert abusers can control and isolate their partners without leaving visible evidence of their actions. However, with advocacy efforts led by Ruth Patrick Darlene and organizations like WomenSV, awareness about the dangers of covert abuse is growing.

Recognizing the warning signs of covert abuse and providing support to survivors is crucial in the fight against intimate partner violence. Through education, safety planning, and community support, we can empower survivors to break free from the cycle of covert abuse and reclaim their lives.

About Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV

Ruth Patrick Darlene (also referred to as Ruth Darlene, Ruth Patrick or Ruth Darlene Patrick), the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley), has dedicated her life to raising awareness about covert abuse and empowering survivors. Since founding WomenSV in 2011, she has worked with over 1,500 survivors, providing education, resources, and advocacy to help them regain control of their lives.

With certifications in California domestic violence advocacy and POST (Peace Officer Standards and Training), Ruth Patrick Darlene is a recognized expert in the field of covert abuse. She trains professionals in healthcare, law enforcement, and education to identify and address the hidden dangers of coercive control, and she continues to advocate for policy changes that will better protect survivors.

Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Exposes Overt and Covert Coercive Control Tactics

Coercive control has gained increasing attention in recent years due to the dangers and prevalence of hidden abuse. As Founder and Executive Director of Los Altos based nonprofit WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene specializes in teaching survivors, advocates, and allies how to recognize overt and covert coercive control tactics. WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley) is dedicated to raising awareness around subtle forms of domestic violence including covert abuse and coercive control.

As a nonprofit educational center, WomenSV is working to shine a light on the early warning signs of coercive control and covert abuse. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV frequently emphasize that education is an essential part of domestic violence prevention. By learning to recognize the signs of overt and covert coercive control, individuals are better equipped to protect themselves and others from the escalating dangers of abusive relationships.

As part of her mission to make this information more accessible, Ruth Patrick Darlene gives public presentations, conducts trauma-informed training sessions, and distributes educational materials online. She shares videos on social media to teach others how to spot subtle forms of abuse, along with other resources such as WomenSV’s domestic violence advocacy guide focused on covert abuse and coercive control.

In this article, we’ll explore the nature of coercive control, distinguish between overt and covert coercive control tactics, and delve into the specific strategies that Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV have identified as critical to understanding and addressing domestic abuse.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control refers to a deliberate pattern of abusive behaviors designed to intimidate, manipulate, isolate, and control an intimate partner. This form of abuse can manifest in multiple ways, including physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, and technology-facilitated abuse. What makes coercive control particularly insidious is that it can be overt — easy to spot — or covert, making it much more difficult to identify and prove.

According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, understanding the different forms of coercive control is key to addressing domestic violence. "Learning how to identify the early warning signs of overt and covert coercive control empowers us to quickly recognize red flags and take action," she explains. "Subtle forms of abuse can go unnoticed and unaddressed for long periods of time, which makes this type of behavior especially dangerous."

Although coercive control is not exclusive to any one gender or relationship dynamic, it is predominantly a gender-based crime perpetrated by men against women. A recent study indicated that nearly one in two women will experience coercive control in their lifetime. Coercive control is a particularly dangerous form of domestic violence because it poses a significant lethality risk, even without a prior history of physical abuse.

The absence of forensic evidence often makes coercive control hard to identify and prove, highlighting the need for greater awareness and education. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV's efforts revolve around making this information more accessible to help survivors and communities recognize the red flags and seek support.

What is Overt Coercive Control?

Overt coercive control refers to behaviors that are aggressive, controlling, threatening, and easily recognizable. These behaviors are often more blatant and can involve both verbal and physical forms of abuse.

Overt coercive control examples:

Overt coercive control can be verbal or physical.

Verbal examples of overt coercive control include direct, explicit threats of harm, especially if the target disobeys or displeases the abuser. Intimidation through fear is a common tactic, like threatening to hunt down or kill a partner if they try to leave or threatening punishment if demands are not met with immediate compliance. Overtly abusive language intended to humiliate, degrade, or control the victim is another hallmark of overt coercive control.

Physical examples of overt coercive control can involve acts of violence such as strangulation, brandishing a weapon, forced sleep deprivation, blocking exits, causing harm to a partner's pet or child, or using dangerous or reckless driving as a form of intimidation.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes that while overt coercive control is alarming and obvious, its danger lies in how it escalates. "There's that element of strategy, strategic thinking, calculating and cunning that goes into the control," she explains.

Survivors of overt coercive control often find themselves in situations where threats turn into actions, and the abuse intensifies over time. This form of coercion can also evolve into subtler tactics, transitioning from overt abuse to covert abuse.

What is Covert Coercive Control?

Covert coercive control, also known as covert abuse, refers to the use of more subtle tactics to threaten, intimidate, isolate and control. The hidden nature of covert abuse makes it difficult to identify, prove and escape from. Covert abuse often goes unrecognized for long periods of time, causing damage to survivors' mental health and progressing to the point where they feel trapped.

"In this case, what you don't know can hurt you," Ruth warns. "It can do serious damage over time."

While subtle forms of abuse may not be immediately obvious, the impact on survivors' health takes a serious toll. Covert coercive control is particularly dangerous because it erodes the victim’s physical and mental health over time. Survivors of covert coercive control face increased risks of mental and physical health issues, from PTSD and depression to chronic pain and autoimmune diseases.

Covert coercive control examples:

Verbal examples of covert coercive control include psychological manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, veiled or implied threats, and isolating an intimate partner. The abuser may turn their partner’s support system against them, often by spreading lies or twisting the truth to make their partner appear unstable.

Physical examples of covert coercive control include indirect threats, like taking out a weapon to clean it during an argument, and sneaky tactics like secretly hiding a partner's car keys or medication to create a sense of dependence. Technology-facilitated abuse tactics can be used to secretly track phones, hack into social media accounts, or use surveillance cameras to monitor a partner's every move.

Survivors often find themselves questioning their own experiences and reality due to the psychological manipulation they've endured. Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes that identifying these subtle tactics early on is a crucial step toward escaping abusive relationships.

The Escalation of Covert Coercive Control Tactics

Covert coercive control, or covert abuse, tends to escalate over time with a pattern of abusive behaviors. As a relationship progresses, and even after it ends, covert abuse tactics may evolve with the abusive partner's increasing desire to exert and maintain control. Recognizing the warning signs early on in a relationship is key to seeking support and safety as soon as possible.

Ruth Patrick Darlene describes covertly abusive relationships as a slippery slope. "If you're in a relationship where the control is incremental, increasing slowly over time, it's much harder to tell the difference between somebody who's trying to help you, someone who's trying to protect you, someone who's concerned about you, somebody who's checking in because they care about you and somebody that is wanting to control you and erode your sense of independence and self esteem over time. Only time will tell."

According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, covert coercive control often follows a predictable cycle that escalates as the relationship progresses. She describes this cycle in three key phases:

1. Early in the Relationship: The "Honeymoon" Phase

At the beginning of an abusive relationship, abusers often engage in love bombing—an overwhelming display of affection that may seem too good to be true. This is often marked by constant communication, grand gestures, and declarations of love that can leave the target feeling special and valued.

However, as time goes on, these behaviors take a darker turn. The constant communication becomes intrusive, and what once seemed like romantic gestures now feels more like stalking. This early phase of covert coercive control is the first step in isolating the victim from their support network.

2. During the Relationship: The Mask Slips

As the relationship progresses, the abuser’s mask begins to slip, and the cycle of abuse becomes more apparent. The following signs may become apparent:

• Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal when the abuser’s demands are not met.

• Accusations and questioning or “grilling” if texts or calls are not immediately answered.

• Financial abuse, restricting a partner’s access to money and resources, increasing their dependence on the abuser.

The abuser may revert to love bombing tactics intermittently to create confusion and keep the victim in a state of cognitive dissonance. This cycle of highs and lows keeps the victim trapped in the cycle of abuse, unsure whether the abuser will revert to their earlier "loving" behavior.

3. After the Relationship: Escalation and Retaliation

Leaving a coercive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a survivor. Covert abusers often escalate their tactics in an attempt to regain control, using:

• Smear campaigns: Spreading false rumors about the survivor to damage their reputation, discredit their words and isolate them from friends and family.

• Legal abuse: Using the court system to prolong contact with the victim, such as filing frivolous lawsuits or vexatious litigation.

• Technology-facilitated abuse: Harassment through social media, revenge porn, or using hidden cameras and surveillance devices to continue monitoring the victim.

Ruth Patrick Darlene warns that these tactics are often employed after the relationship ends as a way to punish and maintain control over the victim.

Resources for Survivors of Overt and Covert Coercive Control

If this has happened to you or someone you know, there is hope. It is possible to break free from the cycle of abuse and begin a new chapter of safety and freedom. Identifying the abuse is the first step; once the issue has been recognized, the process of seeking support and breaking free can begin.

WomenSV maintains a directory of resources for survivors, which includes information about:

• Safety planning: Helping survivors create a personalized plan to protect themselves from further harm.

• Educational materials: Offering information on the different types of abuse and how to recognize them.

• Support groups for coercive control survivors: Connecting survivors with others who have experienced similar forms of abuse.

• Organizations and services: WomenSV's searchable directory of resources provides a list of organizations and resources organized by category and location.

WomenSV also offers training for healthcare providers, law enforcement, and community organizations to help them recognize the signs of covert coercive control and provide trauma-informed care.

To emphasize that it's possible to overcome covert abuse, WomenSV highlights testimonials and success stories shared by survivors. "Living in a world of covert deception and abusive tactics is soul squashing," wrote one survivor, who remarked that after escaping, "I am able to learn to find joy again, self care, and most importantly stop the cycle of violence in raising up the next generation by having peace in our home now."

About Ruth Patrick Darlene:

Ruth Patrick Darlene (also known as Ruth Darlene, Ruth Patrick or Ruth Darlene Patrick) founded WomenSV in 2011. Her advocacy experience serving over 1500 survivors over the past 13 years inspired her efforts to raise awareness around coercive control and covert abuse. Her California domestic violence advocacy and POST certifications further inform her work to teach survivors, communities and providers working in healthcare, law enforcement and education how to recognize and address covert abuse and coercive control.

Family Violence Appellate Project (FVAP) case results in protection for domestic violence survivors

Read FVAP's report for valuable information about the Domestic Violence Restraining Order process and pay attention to the practice tips on page 2.

Coercive Control and Covert Abuse Awareness for Church Leadership

This presentation led by Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, offers essential insights into coercive control and covert abuse. Originally presented to the Menlo Church Ministers, this introduction empowers Christian church leaders to support survivors effectively. The class provides a comprehensive explanation of coercive control, along with trauma-informed tips and resources for recognizing and addressing subtle forms of abuse.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
6:10 Domestic violence statistics
8:05 What is coercive control?
24:31 Recognizing abuse survivors and victims
25:11 Impact of DV on survivors
25:55 The covert abuser
27:58 Elder abuse
28:38 Spiritual abuse
30:14 Love and faith
35:29 Supporting survivors

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The Equality Wheel: Healthy vs Abusive Relationships

In this video Ruth Darlene of WomenSV discusses elements of healthy relationships represented in the Equality Wheel and how they differ from abusive relationships.

Examining the differences between healthy and abusive relationships reveals the stark contrast between the two. Abusive relationships have a bizarre tendency to make those involved lose sight of what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. If you've been in an abusive relationship for a long time, it might even be hard to recall what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like. The Equality Wheel demonstrates elements of a healthy relationship, while the Power and Control Wheel contains elements of an abusive relationship.

Image source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs

Click here to watch our video on the Power and Control Wheel next!

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Understanding Coercive Control California Laws (FC 6320) + the Power and Control Wheel

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, discusses coercive control as it relates to the Power and Control Wheel and current California law (as of the time of this video recorded in March 2024).

The Power and Control Wheel was developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota to describe tactics that abusers use on their victims. In this video we discuss how it illustrates elements of coercive control that can be observed in abusive relationships.

Family Code 6320 in California includes coercive control within its definition of disturbing the peace. In California, coercive control is now grounds for a restraining order, which if violated can have criminal consequences for the perpetrator. In this video, Ruth Darlene discusses how FC 6320 recognizes and applies to survivors of coercive control.

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Video timestamps:
00:00 The Power and Control Wheel
13:20 Federal definition of domestic violence
14:59 California definition of domestic violence
15:45 Family Code 6320

Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is intended for educational purposes only. WomenSV does not provide legal advice or recommendations.

Covert Abuse and Coercive Control Overview: Part 2

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a two-part overview of covert abuse and coercive control. This second video involves a deep dive into the minds of victims, survivors and perpetrators of covert abuse. Ruth explains the impact of covert abuse on survivors and the motives behind perpetrators' behavior. This discussion covers the pathway to freedom for survivors of abuse, from risk assessment to breaking the cycle and starting the healing process.

• Watch Part 1 here!

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Video timestamps:
0:00 Anyone can be a victim or perpetrator
1:21 What do abuse survivors / victims look like?
5:32 Lovebombing, grooming and manipulation silence intuition
7:13 Trauma has a dissociative effect
9:04 Physical DV breaks bones, covert abuse breaks minds
9:42 When is the right time to leave a covert abuser?
14:31 What does a covert abuser look like?
21:23 The Dark Tetrad
31:03 What motivates a covert abuser?
31:36 Covert threats
42:28 The abuser's M.O.
46:41 WEB Scale
54:27 Pathway to freedom
1:17:21 Mental health recovery after abuse
1:22:19 The importance of self-care
1:25:38 Breaking the cycle of abuse
1:34:29 Examples of self-care
1:46:51 Leaving your comfort zone
1:53:36 Thank you to our community partners

Covert Abuse and Coercive Control Overview: Part 1

Join Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, for an overview of covert abuse and coercive control. This video provides an introduction to subtle forms of domestic abuse, detailing the differences between overt coercive control and covert abuse. Ruth explains the cycle of violence as well as the power and control dynamics involved in coercive control. This discussion also addresses the slippery slope of how abusive relationships begin and escalate over time.

• Watch Part 2 here!

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Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
2:20 What is domestic violence?
13:19 What is coercive control?
20:11 Overt coercive control
21:52 Covert abuse
29:07 Power and control
1:17:58 The cycle of violence
1:26:12 Abuse and the culture of affluence
1:33:57 The slippery slope of abusive relationships

Deep Dive Into Covert Abuse and Coercive Control for Christian Therapists: Part 2

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a training to help Christian therapists understand and support survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. In this second half of the two-part training, Ruth discusses the impact of domestic violence on children and adults, potential hazards of therapeutic intervention with a covert abuser, considerations for providing trauma-informed care to survivors, tips for helping survivors tell their story and resources for assessing situations involving domestic abuse.

• Watch Part 1 here!

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is intended for educational purposes only. This training is presented as a trauma-informed informational resource to empower therapists with a deeper understanding of covert abuse and coercive control. Ruth Darlene is an advocate, not a therapist, and WomenSV does not offer or practice therapy.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
2:42 Impact of DV on children and adults
25:48 Hazards of therapeutic intervention with a covert abuser
43:46 Hazards of couples counseling
46:09 Trauma informed care of survivors
53:21 Helping survivors tell their story
58:38 Self-care

Deep Dive Into Covert Abuse and Coercive Control for Christian Therapists: Part 1

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a compassionate perspective that empowers Christian therapists to recognize and support survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. This training video covers the definition and characteristics of covert abuse and coercive control, with true stories to illustrate examples of real-life situations that therapists might encounter with their clients.

As you watch, you will gain a deeper understanding of both survivors and perpetrators of subtle forms of abuse. The discussion includes an overview of the Power and Control Wheel, the cycle of violence, lethality risks associated with coercive control, the slippery slope of how abusive relationships escalate over time, societal pressures that often silence survivors and the impacts of domestic violence.
We’ll dive into different types of coercive control, including overt coercive control, covert coercive control, covert abuse, verbal abuse, and various forms of emotional abuse such as gaslighting.
Stick around to the end to hear us talk about navigating the concept of being a good Christian wife while recognizing covert abuse and coercive control. Being a good, kind, loving Christian does not mean you have to tolerate abuse!

• Watch Part 2 here!

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• Follow us on social media!

Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is intended for educational purposes only. This training is presented as a trauma-informed informational resource to empower therapists with a deeper understanding of covert abuse and coercive control. Ruth Darlene is an advocate, not a therapist, and WomenSV does not offer or practice therapy.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
5:23 IPV Statistics
7:19 The Equality Wheel
8:21 The Power and Control Wheel
9:43 The cycle of violence
12:57 Domestic violence definition
14:34 Family Code 6320
16:29 Coercive control definition
25:48 Overt coercive control - verbal
27:14 Overt coercive control - physical
28:53 Covert coercive control
32:54 Covert threats
38:09 Gaslighting
38:30 The slippery slope of abusive relationships
39:22 DV in affluent areas
40:05 Recognizing and understanding survivors / victims of DV
43:58 Impact of DV on survivors
48:36 Recognizing and understanding perpetrators of DV
53:11 Abuse is the opposite of love
54:34 Q+A

The mental impact of dealing with covert abuse

In this video Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, shares insights on the mental impact of dealing with covert abuse. Traumatic experiences can wreak havoc on a survivor's nervous system, eliciting a flight, fight, freeze or fawn response. When this happens, an empowering new perspective can be a helpful tool to start moving forward on the healing journey: Wait, Watch, Plan, Jump. Let this be your reminder to slow down, pause when you need to, and move forward with intention when you are ready.

Covert abuse and the monopolization of perception

Monopolization of perception is a sinister tactic employed by covert abusers to isolate and dominate their targets, manipulating focus onto themselves. Even after the relationship ends, survivors of covert abuse and coercive control may find themselves ensnared in the abuser's attempts to prevent them from moving on.

Join Ruth Darlene, the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, as she explains the lasting impact of monopolization of perception on survivors, illuminating the path to reclaiming freedom.

Biderman’s Chart of Coercion is a table that was originally created to describe coercive methods of torture used on prisoners of war. It describes eight tactics of psychological torment that can also be applied to the psychological abuse seen in cases of domestic violence.

Monopolization of perception is one of the eight psychological torture tactics listed in Biderman’s Chart of Coercion.

Image source: Sage Publications

The full chart lists the following methods of coercion:

1. Isolation

2. Monopolization of perception

3. Induced debilitation and exhaustion

4. Threats

5. Occasional indulgences

6. Demonstrating “omnipotence” and “omniscience”

7. Degradation

8. Enforcing trivial demands

Image source: Women_SV on Instagram

Related Video:

What do covert abuse survivors and torture victims have in common? Biderman's Chart of Coercion

What to expect after escaping the covert abuser

Ending a relationship with a covert abuser doesn't always mark the end of your challenges. It often opens up a new chapter with unique considerations that differ from leaving a "normal" relationship. Join Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, as she shares insights on what to expect and how to protect yourself after escaping a covert abuser.

In this video, Ruth Darlene sheds light on the common covert abuse tactics that abusers employ to maintain control even after the relationship ends. She emphasizes the importance of safety planning and provides practical considerations for survivors on the path to freedom.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a daunting journey, but remember, it's a significant step towards reclaiming your life and well-being. Don't miss this crucial discussion that can make all the difference in your path to healing and recovery. Your safety and future deserve the utmost attention. Watch this video to learn how to safeguard yourself and find the strength to move forward.

Covert abuse and coercive control in relationships: Eleni Sagredos and Ruth Darlene

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, discusses the impact of subtle forms of abuse with Eleni Sagredos, a survivor, domestic violence educator and author of the book But They're So Nice: Unmasking Covert Abuse & Narcissistic People.

In this video, Ruth and Eleni share insights about covert abuse and coercive control in relationships. Topics include common traits of emotionally abusive relationships and how they can affect every aspect of survivors' lives, from self-confidence to future family dynamics. This conversation offers a compassionate perspective on how survivors can use the wisdom they've gained through their experiences to enjoy happier, safer and healthier futures.

Connect with us on TikTok and Instagram!

• Eleni's TikTok: @nonarcsense

• Eleni's Instagram: @no_narcsense

• WomenSV's TikTok: @overcomecovertabuse

• WomenSV's Instagram: @women_sv

How to heal from covert abuse and find self-love

Join Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, for a discussion about how to heal from covert abuse and find self-love. In this video Ruth shares the impacts that covert abuse and coercive control can have on survivors even after an emotionally abusive relationship ends. Survivors often face a long healing journey while rediscovering what healthy love and self-love looks like, but there is always hope. Watch the video through the end to learn strategies that help to recover and start a fresh new chapter of freedom in life.

Teen Dating Violence: Covert Abuse and Coercive Control

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a video introduction to covert abuse and coercive control with a focus on teen dating violence.

Education is essential to help prevent and address subtle forms of abuse such as covert abuse and coercive control. In this video Ruth shares an overview of covert abuse and coercive control with tips on how to recognize the warning signs, especially in teens and young adults. This discussion covers potential options for offering support to someone you are concerned about and concludes with a list of several available resources.

This presentation was originally recorded for the MVLA Challenge Team. The MVLA Challenge Team partners with leaders from school districts, city and county services, parent and student groups, and other non-profit organizations to support the success of children, youth and families in Mountain View, Los Altos and Los Altos Hills.