Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Exposes Overt and Covert Coercive Control Tactics
Coercive control has gained increasing attention in recent years due to the dangers and prevalence of hidden abuse. As Founder and Executive Director of Los Altos based nonprofit WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene specializes in teaching survivors, advocates, and allies how to recognize overt and covert coercive control tactics. WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley) is dedicated to raising awareness around subtle forms of domestic violence including covert abuse and coercive control.
As a nonprofit educational center, WomenSV is working to shine a light on the early warning signs of coercive control and covert abuse. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV frequently emphasize that education is an essential part of domestic violence prevention. By learning to recognize the signs of overt and covert coercive control, individuals are better equipped to protect themselves and others from the escalating dangers of abusive relationships.
As part of her mission to make this information more accessible, Ruth Patrick Darlene gives public presentations, conducts trauma-informed training sessions, and distributes educational materials online. She shares videos on social media to teach others how to spot subtle forms of abuse, along with other resources such as WomenSV’s domestic violence advocacy guide focused on covert abuse and coercive control.
In this article, we’ll explore the nature of coercive control, distinguish between overt and covert coercive control tactics, and delve into the specific strategies that Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV have identified as critical to understanding and addressing domestic abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control refers to a deliberate pattern of abusive behaviors designed to intimidate, manipulate, isolate, and control an intimate partner. This form of abuse can manifest in multiple ways, including physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, and technology-facilitated abuse. What makes coercive control particularly insidious is that it can be overt — easy to spot — or covert, making it much more difficult to identify and prove.
According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, understanding the different forms of coercive control is key to addressing domestic violence. "Learning how to identify the early warning signs of overt and covert coercive control empowers us to quickly recognize red flags and take action," she explains. "Subtle forms of abuse can go unnoticed and unaddressed for long periods of time, which makes this type of behavior especially dangerous."
Although coercive control is not exclusive to any one gender or relationship dynamic, it is predominantly a gender-based crime perpetrated by men against women. A recent study indicated that nearly one in two women will experience coercive control in their lifetime. Coercive control is a particularly dangerous form of domestic violence because it poses a significant lethality risk, even without a prior history of physical abuse.
The absence of forensic evidence often makes coercive control hard to identify and prove, highlighting the need for greater awareness and education. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV's efforts revolve around making this information more accessible to help survivors and communities recognize the red flags and seek support.
What is Overt Coercive Control?
Overt coercive control refers to behaviors that are aggressive, controlling, threatening, and easily recognizable. These behaviors are often more blatant and can involve both verbal and physical forms of abuse.
Overt coercive control examples:
Overt coercive control can be verbal or physical.
Verbal examples of overt coercive control include direct, explicit threats of harm, especially if the target disobeys or displeases the abuser. Intimidation through fear is a common tactic, like threatening to hunt down or kill a partner if they try to leave or threatening punishment if demands are not met with immediate compliance. Overtly abusive language intended to humiliate, degrade, or control the victim is another hallmark of overt coercive control.
Physical examples of overt coercive control can involve acts of violence such as strangulation, brandishing a weapon, forced sleep deprivation, blocking exits, causing harm to a partner's pet or child, or using dangerous or reckless driving as a form of intimidation.
Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes that while overt coercive control is alarming and obvious, its danger lies in how it escalates. "There's that element of strategy, strategic thinking, calculating and cunning that goes into the control," she explains.
Survivors of overt coercive control often find themselves in situations where threats turn into actions, and the abuse intensifies over time. This form of coercion can also evolve into subtler tactics, transitioning from overt abuse to covert abuse.
What is Covert Coercive Control?
Covert coercive control, also known as covert abuse, refers to the use of more subtle tactics to threaten, intimidate, isolate and control. The hidden nature of covert abuse makes it difficult to identify, prove and escape from. Covert abuse often goes unrecognized for long periods of time, causing damage to survivors' mental health and progressing to the point where they feel trapped.
"In this case, what you don't know can hurt you," Ruth warns. "It can do serious damage over time."
While subtle forms of abuse may not be immediately obvious, the impact on survivors' health takes a serious toll. Covert coercive control is particularly dangerous because it erodes the victim’s physical and mental health over time. Survivors of covert coercive control face increased risks of mental and physical health issues, from PTSD and depression to chronic pain and autoimmune diseases.
Covert coercive control examples:
Verbal examples of covert coercive control include psychological manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, veiled or implied threats, and isolating an intimate partner. The abuser may turn their partner’s support system against them, often by spreading lies or twisting the truth to make their partner appear unstable.
Physical examples of covert coercive control include indirect threats, like taking out a weapon to clean it during an argument, and sneaky tactics like secretly hiding a partner's car keys or medication to create a sense of dependence. Technology-facilitated abuse tactics can be used to secretly track phones, hack into social media accounts, or use surveillance cameras to monitor a partner's every move.
Survivors often find themselves questioning their own experiences and reality due to the psychological manipulation they've endured. Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes that identifying these subtle tactics early on is a crucial step toward escaping abusive relationships.
The Escalation of Covert Coercive Control Tactics
Covert coercive control, or covert abuse, tends to escalate over time with a pattern of abusive behaviors. As a relationship progresses, and even after it ends, covert abuse tactics may evolve with the abusive partner's increasing desire to exert and maintain control. Recognizing the warning signs early on in a relationship is key to seeking support and safety as soon as possible.
Ruth Patrick Darlene describes covertly abusive relationships as a slippery slope. "If you're in a relationship where the control is incremental, increasing slowly over time, it's much harder to tell the difference between somebody who's trying to help you, someone who's trying to protect you, someone who's concerned about you, somebody who's checking in because they care about you and somebody that is wanting to control you and erode your sense of independence and self esteem over time. Only time will tell."
According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, covert coercive control often follows a predictable cycle that escalates as the relationship progresses. She describes this cycle in three key phases:
1. Early in the Relationship: The "Honeymoon" Phase
At the beginning of an abusive relationship, abusers often engage in love bombing—an overwhelming display of affection that may seem too good to be true. This is often marked by constant communication, grand gestures, and declarations of love that can leave the target feeling special and valued.
However, as time goes on, these behaviors take a darker turn. The constant communication becomes intrusive, and what once seemed like romantic gestures now feels more like stalking. This early phase of covert coercive control is the first step in isolating the victim from their support network.
2. During the Relationship: The Mask Slips
As the relationship progresses, the abuser’s mask begins to slip, and the cycle of abuse becomes more apparent. The following signs may become apparent:
Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal when the abuser’s demands are not met.
Accusations and questioning or “grilling” if texts or calls are not immediately answered.
Financial abuse, restricting a partner’s access to money and resources, increasing their dependence on the abuser.
The abuser may revert to love bombing tactics intermittently to create confusion and keep the victim in a state of cognitive dissonance. This cycle of highs and lows keeps the victim trapped in the cycle of abuse, unsure whether the abuser will revert to their earlier "loving" behavior.
3. After the Relationship: Escalation and Retaliation
Leaving a coercive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a survivor. Covert abusers often escalate their tactics in an attempt to regain control, using:
Smear campaigns: Spreading false rumors about the survivor to damage their reputation, discredit their words and isolate them from friends and family.
Legal abuse: Using the court system to prolong contact with the victim, such as filing frivolous lawsuits or vexatious litigation.
Technology-facilitated abuse: Harassment through social media, revenge porn, or using hidden cameras and surveillance devices to continue monitoring the victim.
Ruth Patrick Darlene warns that these tactics are often employed after the relationship ends as a way to punish and maintain control over the victim.
Resources for Survivors of Overt and Covert Coercive Control
If this has happened to you or someone you know, there is hope. It is possible to break free from the cycle of abuse and begin a new chapter of safety and freedom. Identifying the abuse is the first step; once the issue has been recognized, the process of seeking support and breaking free can begin.
WomenSV maintains a directory of resources for survivors, which includes information about:
Safety planning: Helping survivors create a personalized plan to protect themselves from further harm.
Educational materials: Offering information on the different types of abuse and how to recognize them.
Support groups for coercive control survivors: Connecting survivors with others who have experienced similar forms of abuse.
Organizations and services: WomenSV's searchable directory of resources provides a list of organizations and resources organized by category and location.
WomenSV also offers training for healthcare providers, law enforcement, and community organizations to help them recognize the signs of covert coercive control and provide trauma-informed care.
To emphasize that it's possible to overcome covert abuse, WomenSV highlights testimonials and success stories shared by survivors. "Living in a world of covert deception and abusive tactics is soul squashing," wrote one survivor, who remarked that after escaping, "I am able to learn to find joy again, self care, and most importantly stop the cycle of violence in raising up the next generation by having peace in our home now."
About Ruth Patrick Darlene:
Ruth Patrick Darlene (also known as Ruth Darlene, Ruth Patrick or Ruth Darlene Patrick) founded WomenSV in 2011. Her advocacy experience serving over 1500 survivors over the past 13 years inspired her efforts to raise awareness around coercive control and covert abuse. Her California domestic violence advocacy and POST certifications further inform her work to teach survivors, communities and providers working in healthcare, law enforcement and education how to recognize and address covert abuse and coercive control.