Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Explains Covert Abuse Dangers and Warning Signs
Covert abuse is an often hidden yet highly dangerous form of coercive control. Unlike physical abuse, covert abuse doesn’t leave visible scars or bruises, but its emotional and psychological impact can be devastating. It's a manipulative, insidious form of abuse that chips away at the victim’s autonomy, confidence, and mental health, often leaving survivors feeling isolated and powerless. Ruth Patrick Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, is working to raise awareness about covert abuse, its associated dangers and warning signs to watch out for.
What is Covert Abuse?
Covert abuse is a type of intimate partner violence (IPV), yet it rarely leaves forensic evidence behind. Unlike physical abuse, which often leaves tangible evidence, the damage done by covert abuse is internal. Using manipulative tactics, covert abuse erodes a survivor's self-esteem, confidence, support system, and independence over time. Also referred to as covert coercive control, emotional abuse or psychological abuse, covert abuse represents subtle behaviors that are threatening, controlling, isolating and manipulative.
Covert abuse may take many forms, including:
Gaslighting: A tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their perceptions, memories, or sanity.
Grooming and love bombing: At the start of the relationship, the abuser may overwhelm the victim with affection and attention, creating an emotional dependency that can later be exploited. “Over time, you start to see that the purpose of the charm, charisma and love bombing is to drown out your inner voice,” Ruth explains.
Mean-spirited teasing and derogatory comments: The abuser may disguise harmful statements as "jokes" or "teasing," undermining the victim’s self-esteem.
Controlling behaviors disguised as "suggestions": The abuser subtly controls the victim's actions, often framed as suggestions, leading to isolation from friends, family, and activities.
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender): A tactic where the abuser denies their abusive behavior, attacks the victim for raising concerns, and portrays themselves as the victim.
Covert abuse operates through a pattern of subtle manipulation, which escalates over time. The goal of the abuser is to control their partner while maintaining a façade of normalcy, often leaving the victim feeling confused, ashamed, and isolated.
The Dangers of Covert Abuse
Covert abuse is especially dangerous because it’s difficult to recognize and address. Abusers often project a charming or innocent image to the outside world, while using manipulative tactics behind closed doors. This secrecy makes it hard for victims to explain the abuse or find support.
Erosion of Self-Esteem and Autonomy
Over time, covert abuse strips away a survivor’s sense of self-worth, leaving them dependent on the abuser for validation and approval. By undermining the victim’s confidence and autonomy, the abuser gains control over their actions, thoughts, and emotions.
Gaslighting and Manipulation
A hallmark of covert abuse is gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their reality. Victims of covert abuse may feel like they’re “walking on eggshells,” constantly trying to avoid conflict or upsetting their partner. This gaslighting often leads to feelings of shame, confusion, and self-doubt, making it difficult for survivors to articulate what they’re experiencing.
Smear Campaigns
Covert abusers often use smear campaigns to discredit and isolate their victim. By spreading lies or manipulating others, the abuser can damage the survivor’s relationships, reputation, and even career. These smear campaigns often intensify after a relationship ends, as the abuser attempts to regain control by continuing to harass or discredit the victim.
The Physical and Mental Health Impact of Covert Abuse
Covert abuse takes a significant toll on both the mental and physical health of survivors.
Survivors of covert abuse often experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The constant manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse can leave victims feeling trapped, hopeless, and unable to trust their own judgment. This psychological toll can have long-lasting effects, even after the survivor has left the relationship.
The stress of enduring covert abuse can also manifest physically. Survivors may experience chronic pain, fatigue, and an increased risk of autoimmune diseases. The constant anxiety and fear associated with covert abuse can also weaken the immune system, leading to a range of health issues.
The Impact of Covert Abuse on Children
Covert abuse doesn’t just affect the intimate partner—it also impacts children who witness the dynamics of coercive control in their parent’s relationship. Children who grow up in environments where covert abuse is present may experience anxiety, depression, and trauma, which can affect their mental health well into adulthood.
Children may also internalize the abusive dynamics, leading to difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life. The cycle of covert abuse can perpetuate across generations if not addressed.
Stalking and Technology-Facilitated Abuse
Stalking is another form of coercive control, and a common behavior in cases of covert abuse. Abusers may use technology to track the victim’s location, monitor their communications, and control their actions. This form of technology-facilitated abuse can make it even harder for survivors to escape, as they may feel constantly watched and unable to maintain their privacy.
Stalking is a serious crime, yet it’s often ignored or not taken seriously enough by authorities. Alarmingly, the majority of homicide cases involving intimate partners include a history of stalking. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a domestic violence survivor, and stalking can increase the lethality risk during this period.
Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the importance of safety planning before, during and after escaping an abusive relationship. “With a covert abuser, they don’t forget, they don’t forgive, they don’t release, they don’t move on.”
Lethality Risk in Covert Abuse Cases
While covert abuse doesn’t necessarily involve physical violence, it’s still associated with significant lethality risks. In fact, the risk of homicide often increases after a survivor leaves an abusive relationship, as the abuser may escalate their controlling behaviors in an attempt to regain control.
According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, covert abusers often view their partners as objects or resources to be used and controlled. “They treat their intimate partner like a possession, like something to use and use up,” Ruth explains. “And what is the ultimate right of property ownership? The right to dispose of it. And that’s what makes covert abuse and coercive control a lethality risk.” When an abuser feels like their control is being threatened, or that their possession is no longer useful, they can become angry, vengeful and dangerous.
Warning Signs of Covert Abuse
Recognizing covert abuse can be challenging, as it’s often subtle and disguised as normal relationship behaviors. However, asking yourself the following questions can help identify early warning signs:
How do you feel after spending time with your partner? Do you feel happy and respected, or do you feel uneasy, anxious, or like something is “off”? Pay attention to what your gut feelings and intuition are telling you.
Does your partner engage in love bombing? Excessive romantic gestures at the start of a relationship may seem flattering, but they can also be a tactic to create emotional dependency and drown out your inner voice.
Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells? If you’re afraid to upset your partner or constantly worried about their reactions, this is a major red flag of covert abuse.
How does your partner react when things don’t go their way? If your partner gives you the silent treatment, makes disparaging comments, or uses manipulation when they don’t get what they want, it’s a warning sign of covert abuse.
Are your daily activities controlled by your partner? If you’ve stopped seeing friends, engaging in hobbies, or dressing the way you like out of fear of your partner’s disapproval, it’s a sign that your autonomy is being eroded.
Overcoming the Challenges of Covert Abuse
Survivors of covert abuse face unique challenges in explaining their experiences to others. The subtle, manipulative nature of covert abuse makes it difficult to articulate the abuse in a way that others understand. This can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and frustration.
Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the importance of education in overcoming these challenges. By learning about covert abuse and its warning signs, survivors can begin to recognize the patterns of abuse and take steps toward healing and regaining their autonomy.
Covert Abuse Survivor Resources
WomenSV shares a range of resources to help survivors of covert abuse, including:
Safety planning: WomenSV offers safety planning resources to help survivors escape abusive relationships safely. Planning an exit is crucial, as leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time for a survivor.
Support groups: WomenSV maintains a list of support groups where survivors can connect with others who have experienced similar abuse. These groups provide a sense of community and help combat the isolation that covert abuse creates.
Education: Learning about covert abuse is an empowering way for survivors to understand their experiences and release the shame and guilt they may feel. WomenSV emphasizes education as a key tool for preventing future abuse and supporting survivors in their healing journey.
Directory of resources: WomenSV maintains a searchable directory of resources with organizations and services available to covert abuse survivors.
Executive Summary Workshop: WomenSV’s Executive Summary Workshop program helps survivors document their abuse in a concise, two-page summary. This can be a valuable tool for survivors when seeking support.
By using manipulative and subtle tactics, covert abusers can control and isolate their partners without leaving visible evidence of their actions. However, with advocacy efforts led by Ruth Patrick Darlene and organizations like WomenSV, awareness about the dangers of covert abuse is growing.
Recognizing the warning signs of covert abuse and providing support to survivors is crucial in the fight against intimate partner violence. Through education, safety planning, and community support, we can empower survivors to break free from the cycle of covert abuse and reclaim their lives.
About Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV
Ruth Patrick Darlene (also referred to as Ruth Darlene, Ruth Patrick or Ruth Darlene Patrick), the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley), has dedicated her life to raising awareness about covert abuse and empowering survivors. Since founding WomenSV in 2011, she has worked with over 1,500 survivors, providing education, resources, and advocacy to help them regain control of their lives.
With certifications in California domestic violence advocacy and POST (Peace Officer Standards and Training), Ruth Patrick Darlene is a recognized expert in the field of covert abuse. She trains professionals in healthcare, law enforcement, and education to identify and address the hidden dangers of coercive control, and she continues to advocate for policy changes that will better protect survivors.