Impact of coercive control and domestic abuse on mothers and children

Mothers and their children are disproportionately impacted by domestic violence, including more subtle forms of abuse such as coercive control. In this video Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, discusses the dangers and early warning signs of controlling relationships. This essential information helps empower us to recognize abuse and keep our families safe.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
5:22 DV statistics
7:39 Importance of recognizing red flags
12:54 Equality wheel
14:38 Power and control wheel
19:22 Types of abuse
22:11 Cycle of abuse
28:42 Legal definition of DV in California
29:58 Family Code 6320
36:35 Coercive control
54:40 Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study and health risks of DV
1:23:00 Resources for DV survivors

---

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• View our directory of resources for domestic abuse survivors

• Follow us on social media!

WomenSV Founder Ruth Patrick Darlene's Technology Abuse Resource Guide

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Cybersecurity Awareness Month. At the intersection of these is an increasingly prevalent issue: technology abuse. Also known as technology-facilitated abuse, technology abuse is a tactic used by tech-savvy abusers to monitor, stalk, control, and harass their partners. As Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit focused on covert abuse and coercive control, Ruth Patrick Darlene has dedicated her life to raising awareness around subtle forms of domestic abuse. Having heard hundreds of stories from survivors of technology abuse, she is committed to educating survivors, providers and the general public about how to recognize warning signs and stay safe.

Ruth Patrick Darlene founded domestic violence nonprofit WomenSV to educate survivors, providers and communities about subtle forms of domestic violence such as covert abuse and coercive control. When coercive control is present in an intimate partner relationship, the abuser will employ a variety of tactics to intimidate, manipulate, isolate and control their partner. Technology abuse is a particularly insidious tactic that can occur during an abusive relationship - and even after the relationship ends.

Survivors of technology abuse report feeling confused, trapped and helpless by this invasive, crazy-making form of intimate partner violence. If you have experienced technology abuse, it's important to remember that you are not alone and help is available. With the right tools, knowledge and resources, it is possible to protect your cybersecurity and restore your sense of personal safety.

WomenSV compiled this resource guide to help make information about technology abuse more accessible to domestic violence survivors and their communities. This guide will cover the definition and tactics of technology abuse, actionable steps survivors can take to protect themselves, and resources for those in need of assistance.

What is Technology Abuse?

Technology abuse is an alarmingly common phenomenon in which abusers misuse digital tools to monitor, stalk, harass, control or inflict abuse on a current or former intimate partner. Unlike overt, physical forms of abuse, technology abuse often operates in secrecy, making it difficult for victims to identify the source of their distress. Common tactics include hacking personal devices, surveillance through hidden cameras, cyberstalking on social media, and controlling smart devices to harass victims remotely.

The impact of technology abuse is profound. Victims report feeling violated, helpless, and often begin to doubt their sanity, especially when they realize that even their devices are under the control of their abuser. This insidious form of abuse creates an atmosphere of fear and uncertainty, isolating survivors from friends, family, and resources.

“Many of the women I’ve worked with have experienced years of sophisticated technological abuse,” reports Ruth Patrick Darlene, describing stories that range from phone monitoring to a hidden camera in a shower head. Recognizing the tactics and red flags of technology abuse are key to identifying this bizarre behavior and informing safety planning strategies for survivors.

Common Tactics in Technology Abuse

Abusers leverage various technologies to control, intimidate, and surveil their victims. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most prevalent tactics used in technology abuse:

1. Hacking and unauthorized access

Abusers may gain unauthorized access to their victim’s phone, email, social media, or financial accounts, allowing them to monitor messages, transactions, and even GPS locations.

2. Social media harassment and cyberstalking

Technology abuse frequently extends to social media, where abusers may harass or cyberstalk victims. This can include sending threatening messages, spreading harmful misinformation in smear campaigns, or even creating fake accounts to monitor their victim’s online activities. Smear campaigns are often mounted against a survivor who has escaped an abusive relationship as a revenge tactic by their former partner. In these cases, abusers will attempt to regain control, perpetuate the abuse and isolate their victims by dismantling the survivor’s support system through the spread of false information.

3. Non-consensual image sharing

A particularly distressing tactic involves sharing intimate images without consent or threatening to do so. This could include real images or digitally altered, AI-generated content that abusers use to coerce and humiliate their victims. AI deepfakes and undressing apps have been used to extort and humiliate victims, damaging their mental health and reputation.

4. Surveillance and tracking devices

Abusers use devices like hidden cameras or tracking technologies, such as AirTags, to monitor their victims without consent. These devices can be concealed in common items or vehicles, creating an atmosphere where victims feel constantly watched. Survivors have found hidden cameras in phone chargers, smoke detectors, alarm clocks and even inside lightbulbs.

During a training for domestic violence advocates, Ruth Patrick Darlene shared the story of a survivor who had relocated to a new state in order to flee from her abuser, only to find a tracking device had followed her to her new home: “She was in the Safe at Home Program and thought she was really safe now, and then she discovered that he’d planted two AirTags in her car to stalk her.”

iPhones now have the ability to automatically detect nearby AirTags, so it’s important to investigate any AirTag notifications that pop up on your phone.

5. Smart device manipulation

Abusers exploit smart home technologies to control various aspects of their victim’s environment. This could involve adjusting thermostats, turning lights on and off, or even locking doors remotely. In vehicles with GPS-enabled devices, such as Teslas, abusers can track the victim’s location.

“Survivors have even been gifted Teslas by their partners,” Ruth Patrick Darlene elaborates. “It seems nice on the surface, but then they wonder, ‘How does he know where I am, even when I leave my phone at home?’ Well, he’s got the Tesla app on his phone, and he’s stalking her in real time. Sometimes they turn that into a way to torment her, making the windows open and close as she’s driving, or honking the horn remotely.”

6. Spyware and keystroke logging

By installing spyware or keyloggers on devices, abusers can monitor their victim’s keystrokes, screen activity, and browsing history, leaving survivors feeling helpless and violated.

Ruth Patrick Darlene warns that covert abusers can be especially sneaky, installing malicious software under the guise of being helpful. “He might say to his partner, ‘Here, let me help you, I’ll install that software for you.’ She might want software installed on her computer to prevent malware from infecting it, and she doesn’t realize that her boyfriend has also put keystroke logging software on her computer. Now even if she changes her passwords, he’ll have access to her new passwords as well.”

Recognizing Technology Abuse: Warning Signs for Survivors

Understanding the warning signs of technology abuse is a crucial first step in reclaiming control. To identify technology abuse, domestic violence survivors can look out for unusual behavior from their devices or suspicious activities online. Common warning signs include:

• Receiving notifications about unfamiliar login attempts on personal accounts.

• Unusual device behavior, such as apps opening unexpectedly or battery draining rapidly.

• Seeing posts, messages, or other content online that only someone with private knowledge could know.

• The abuser knows personal information that the survivor has not shared, such as locations or plans.

• If any of these red flags are present, it may indicate technology abuse, and taking immediate protective steps is essential.

Tips for Protecting Yourself from Technology Abuse

Survivors can take steps to minimize the risk of technology abuse, but these measures must be approached carefully to avoid detection by the abuser. Here are some key strategies:

1. Enhance password security

Avoid sharing passwords, and use strong, unique passwords for each account. Consider using a password manager to securely store and manage passwords.

2. Limit device access

Avoid allowing anyone, including a partner, to install apps or software on your devices. Be wary of “location-sharing” apps or tools that claim to promote transparency but could be misused for monitoring.

3. Protect financial information

Use bank alerts to monitor transactions, especially for financial abuse victims, and ensure online banking is protected by multi-factor authentication.

4. Monitor for tracking devices

Regularly check personal belongings and vehicles for tracking devices like AirTags. iPhones and some Android phones can detect nearby AirTags; learning how to check for these devices is a crucial safety measure.

5. Secure your images and online presence

Avoid sharing intimate images, especially digitally, where they can be exploited. If you must share an intimate image, avoid including your face or other identifying information.

If images have been shared non-consensually, seek resources to remove them and report the violation. Stop Non-Consensual Image Abuse and Take It Down are two resources that help survivors with this process.

When posting on social media, make sure not to share your location, or any details that could help a stalker determine your location, in real time.

6. Report the abuse

Reporting threats and content policy violations to authorities and social media platforms is another important measure that survivors can take to protect themselves. Unfortunately, these reports do not always result in a desirable level of action, but at the very least it can help build a record of the abuse that might be helpful should the behavior continue or escalate.

Many jurisdictions have laws against cyberstalking, cyberbullying and cyberharassment. Checking the laws in your area can help to determine if criminal activity has occurred and what legal recourse might be available.

7. Seek assistance for compromised devices

If you suspect your device is compromised, consider using a separate device outside of your home, such as a library computer or a trusted friend’s phone. Consulting cybersecurity experts, like those from Operation Safe Escape, can help secure your technology safely.

8. Consider getting a burner phone

In cases of extreme surveillance, purchasing a low-cost burner phone stored in a Faraday bag (which blocks signals) can provide an essential layer of privacy for sensitive communications.

9. Keep a physical record of important documents in a safe place

If you suspect that your devices have been compromised, you may want to find a safe, secure, private physical location to store sensitive documents.

Technology Abuse Resources

Survivors of technology abuse can access numerous resources to aid in their journey toward safety and security. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV reference the following key resources:

• Operation Safe Escape: This organization provides support specifically for survivors dealing with technology-facilitated abuse, helping them assess, secure, and manage their technology safely.

• Safety Net Project Technology Safety & Privacy: A Toolkit for Survivors

• Technology Safety & Privacy Resources from NNEDV (The National Network to End Domestic Violence)

• Stop Non-Consensual Image Abuse and Take It Down: Provides assistance for victims who have had intimate images shared without consent, offering support to remove these images and advocate for their rights.

Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV on the fight against technology abuse

Ruth Patrick Darlene founded WomenSV to raise awareness around subtle forms of domestic violence, including covert abuse and coercive control. WomenSV educates survivors, advocates, providers and community members about the many different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, psychological, verbal, financial and technology abuse. Having listened to many survivor stories involving technology abuse, she recognized the urgent need for education and resources.

At WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene is developing educational programs to provide accessible knowledge of technology-facilitated abuse. She trains providers working in healthcare, law enforcement and domestic violence advocacy to identify technology abuse and effectively support survivors. Without this knowledge, providers risk incorrectly dismissing reports from survivors as paranoia, preventing them from receiving the support they need. “It’s easy to look paranoid when you are in this type of relationship,” Ruth Patrick Darlene explains. “Sometimes you think your every move is being watched, because it is.”

WomenSV's educational efforts empower survivors and the providers that serve them to recognize what is happening and take action to protect their safety. WomenSV offers a comprehensive approach to fighting technology abuse, including:

• Educating survivors on how to identify signs of technology-facilitated abuse.

• Training cybersecurity professionals, technology companies, healthcare providers, law enforcement officials, court staff and domestic violence advocates on the nuances of technology abuse.

• Providing accessible resources for those impacted by technology abuse.

• Raising awareness in the general public about the prevalence of technology abuse.

WomenSV’s goal is to transform how communities understand and address technology abuse, creating a framework for identifying and combatting this modern form of domestic violence. This approach emphasizes that help is available for survivors, and with the right knowledge and resources, they can reclaim their autonomy.

WomenSV aims to empower survivors, educate communities, and create a safer environment where technology abuse is no longer an invisible threat. During her training sessions, Ruth Patrick Darlene teaches healthcare providers, law enforcement officials, cybersecurity professionals, court staff and advocates to recognize technology abuse as a legitimate form of domestic violence.

Through WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene helps providers and advocates to identify, understand, and respond to technology abuse effectively. She has also implemented community outreach initiatives to destigmatize survivor stories, emphasizing that technology abuse survivors deserve to be taken seriously. WomenSV’s website offers a directory of categorized resources, with a dedicated section for technology abuse. The organization’s social media campaigns focus on raising public awareness, spreading the message that survivors are not alone, and providing information about available resources for support.

Advocating for Change

As technology advances, so do the tactics used by abusers. Advocating for policies and protections against technology abuse is a crucial step toward safeguarding survivors. WomenSV and Ruth Patrick Darlene’s work highlights the need for ongoing education, resources, and systemic support.

Community members, friends, and family of survivors can contribute to this mission by becoming aware of the signs of technology abuse and supporting the organizations and individuals working to combat it. By fostering an environment of empathy and understanding, we can support survivors in breaking free from the control of technology abuse and reclaiming their lives.

Ruth Patrick Darlene’s dedication to exposing technology abuse and supporting survivors through WomenSV shines a light on a hidden and growing issue. By understanding technology abuse, identifying its warning signs, and utilizing available resources, survivors can regain control over their lives. Technology, while powerful and pervasive, should not be a tool of control but rather a means of empowerment. WomenSV’s efforts remind survivors and advocates alike that technology abuse can be fought, prevented, and ultimately overcome.

In today’s digital world, knowledge is power. With support, education, and resources like those offered by WomenSV, survivors of technology abuse can navigate a path toward safety and freedom.

Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Explains Covert Abuse Dangers and Warning Signs

Covert abuse is an often hidden yet highly dangerous form of coercive control. Unlike physical abuse, covert abuse doesn’t leave visible scars or bruises, but its emotional and psychological impact can be devastating. It's a manipulative, insidious form of abuse that chips away at the victim’s autonomy, confidence, and mental health, often leaving survivors feeling isolated and powerless. Ruth Patrick Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, is working to raise awareness about covert abuse, its associated dangers and warning signs to watch out for.

What is Covert Abuse?

Covert abuse is a type of intimate partner violence (IPV), yet it rarely leaves forensic evidence behind. Unlike physical abuse, which often leaves tangible evidence, the damage done by covert abuse is internal. Using manipulative tactics, covert abuse erodes a survivor's self-esteem, confidence, support system, and independence over time. Also referred to as covert coercive control, emotional abuse or psychological abuse, covert abuse represents subtle behaviors that are threatening, controlling, isolating and manipulative.

Covert abuse may take many forms, including:

• Gaslighting: A tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their perceptions, memories, or sanity.

• Grooming and love bombing: At the start of the relationship, the abuser may overwhelm the victim with affection and attention, creating an emotional dependency that can later be exploited. “Over time, you start to see that the purpose of the charm, charisma and love bombing is to drown out your inner voice,” Ruth explains.

• Mean-spirited teasing and derogatory comments: The abuser may disguise harmful statements as "jokes" or "teasing," undermining the victim’s self-esteem.

• Controlling behaviors disguised as "suggestions": The abuser subtly controls the victim's actions, often framed as suggestions, leading to isolation from friends, family, and activities.

• DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender): A tactic where the abuser denies their abusive behavior, attacks the victim for raising concerns, and portrays themselves as the victim.

Covert abuse operates through a pattern of subtle manipulation, which escalates over time. The goal of the abuser is to control their partner while maintaining a façade of normalcy, often leaving the victim feeling confused, ashamed, and isolated.

The Dangers of Covert Abuse

Covert abuse is especially dangerous because it’s difficult to recognize and address. Abusers often project a charming or innocent image to the outside world, while using manipulative tactics behind closed doors. This secrecy makes it hard for victims to explain the abuse or find support.

Erosion of Self-Esteem and Autonomy

Over time, covert abuse strips away a survivor’s sense of self-worth, leaving them dependent on the abuser for validation and approval. By undermining the victim’s confidence and autonomy, the abuser gains control over their actions, thoughts, and emotions.

Gaslighting and Manipulation

A hallmark of covert abuse is gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their reality. Victims of covert abuse may feel like they’re “walking on eggshells,” constantly trying to avoid conflict or upsetting their partner. This gaslighting often leads to feelings of shame, confusion, and self-doubt, making it difficult for survivors to articulate what they’re experiencing.

Smear Campaigns

Covert abusers often use smear campaigns to discredit and isolate their victim. By spreading lies or manipulating others, the abuser can damage the survivor’s relationships, reputation, and even career. These smear campaigns often intensify after a relationship ends, as the abuser attempts to regain control by continuing to harass or discredit the victim.

The Physical and Mental Health Impact of Covert Abuse

Covert abuse takes a significant toll on both the mental and physical health of survivors.

Mental Health Impact

Survivors of covert abuse often experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The constant manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse can leave victims feeling trapped, hopeless, and unable to trust their own judgment. This psychological toll can have long-lasting effects, even after the survivor has left the relationship.

Physical Health Impact

The stress of enduring covert abuse can also manifest physically. Survivors may experience chronic pain, fatigue, and an increased risk of autoimmune diseases. The constant anxiety and fear associated with covert abuse can also weaken the immune system, leading to a range of health issues.

The Impact of Covert Abuse on Children

Covert abuse doesn’t just affect the intimate partner—it also impacts children who witness the dynamics of coercive control in their parent’s relationship. Children who grow up in environments where covert abuse is present may experience anxiety, depression, and trauma, which can affect their mental health well into adulthood.

Children may also internalize the abusive dynamics, leading to difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life. The cycle of covert abuse can perpetuate across generations if not addressed.

Stalking and Technology-Facilitated Abuse

Stalking is another form of coercive control, and a common behavior in cases of covert abuse. Abusers may use technology to track the victim’s location, monitor their communications, and control their actions. This form of technology-facilitated abuse can make it even harder for survivors to escape, as they may feel constantly watched and unable to maintain their privacy.

Stalking is a serious crime, yet it’s often ignored or not taken seriously enough by authorities. Alarmingly, the majority of homicide cases involving intimate partners include a history of stalking. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a domestic violence survivor, and stalking can increase the lethality risk during this period.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the importance of safety planning before, during and after escaping an abusive relationship. “With a covert abuser, they don’t forget, they don’t forgive, they don’t release, they don’t move on.”

Lethality Risk in Covert Abuse Cases

While covert abuse doesn’t necessarily involve physical violence, it’s still associated with significant lethality risks. In fact, the risk of homicide often increases after a survivor leaves an abusive relationship, as the abuser may escalate their controlling behaviors in an attempt to regain control.

According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, covert abusers often view their partners as objects or resources to be used and controlled. “They treat their intimate partner like a possession, like something to use and use up,” Ruth explains. “And what is the ultimate right of property ownership? The right to dispose of it. And that’s what makes covert abuse and coercive control a lethality risk.” When an abuser feels like their control is being threatened, or that their possession is no longer useful, they can become angry, vengeful and dangerous.

Warning Signs of Covert Abuse

Recognizing covert abuse can be challenging, as it’s often subtle and disguised as normal relationship behaviors. However, asking yourself the following questions can help identify early warning signs:

• How do you feel after spending time with your partner? Do you feel happy and respected, or do you feel uneasy, anxious, or like something is “off”? Pay attention to what your gut feelings and intuition are telling you.

• Does your partner engage in love bombing? Excessive romantic gestures at the start of a relationship may seem flattering, but they can also be a tactic to create emotional dependency and drown out your inner voice.

• Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells? If you’re afraid to upset your partner or constantly worried about their reactions, this is a major red flag of covert abuse.

• How does your partner react when things don’t go their way? If your partner gives you the silent treatment, makes disparaging comments, or uses manipulation when they don’t get what they want, it’s a warning sign of covert abuse.

• Are your daily activities controlled by your partner? If you’ve stopped seeing friends, engaging in hobbies, or dressing the way you like out of fear of your partner’s disapproval, it’s a sign that your autonomy is being eroded.

Overcoming the Challenges of Covert Abuse

Survivors of covert abuse face unique challenges in explaining their experiences to others. The subtle, manipulative nature of covert abuse makes it difficult to articulate the abuse in a way that others understand. This can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and frustration.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the importance of education in overcoming these challenges. By learning about covert abuse and its warning signs, survivors can begin to recognize the patterns of abuse and take steps toward healing and regaining their autonomy.

Covert Abuse Survivor Resources

WomenSV shares a range of resources to help survivors of covert abuse, including:

• Safety planning: WomenSV offers safety planning resources to help survivors escape abusive relationships safely. Planning an exit is crucial, as leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time for a survivor.

• Support groups: WomenSV maintains a list of support groups where survivors can connect with others who have experienced similar abuse. These groups provide a sense of community and help combat the isolation that covert abuse creates.

• Education: Learning about covert abuse is an empowering way for survivors to understand their experiences and release the shame and guilt they may feel. WomenSV emphasizes education as a key tool for preventing future abuse and supporting survivors in their healing journey.

• Directory of resources: WomenSV maintains a searchable directory of resources with organizations and services available to covert abuse survivors.

• Executive Summary Workshop: WomenSV’s Executive Summary Workshop program helps survivors document their abuse in a concise, two-page summary. This can be a valuable tool for survivors when seeking support.

By using manipulative and subtle tactics, covert abusers can control and isolate their partners without leaving visible evidence of their actions. However, with advocacy efforts led by Ruth Patrick Darlene and organizations like WomenSV, awareness about the dangers of covert abuse is growing.

Recognizing the warning signs of covert abuse and providing support to survivors is crucial in the fight against intimate partner violence. Through education, safety planning, and community support, we can empower survivors to break free from the cycle of covert abuse and reclaim their lives.

About Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV

Ruth Patrick Darlene (also referred to as Ruth Darlene, Ruth Patrick or Ruth Darlene Patrick), the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley), has dedicated her life to raising awareness about covert abuse and empowering survivors. Since founding WomenSV in 2011, she has worked with over 1,500 survivors, providing education, resources, and advocacy to help them regain control of their lives.

With certifications in California domestic violence advocacy and POST (Peace Officer Standards and Training), Ruth Patrick Darlene is a recognized expert in the field of covert abuse. She trains professionals in healthcare, law enforcement, and education to identify and address the hidden dangers of coercive control, and she continues to advocate for policy changes that will better protect survivors.

Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Exposes Overt and Covert Coercive Control Tactics

Coercive control has gained increasing attention in recent years due to the dangers and prevalence of hidden abuse. As Founder and Executive Director of Los Altos based nonprofit WomenSV, Ruth Patrick Darlene specializes in teaching survivors, advocates, and allies how to recognize overt and covert coercive control tactics. WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley) is dedicated to raising awareness around subtle forms of domestic violence including covert abuse and coercive control.

As a nonprofit educational center, WomenSV is working to shine a light on the early warning signs of coercive control and covert abuse. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV frequently emphasize that education is an essential part of domestic violence prevention. By learning to recognize the signs of overt and covert coercive control, individuals are better equipped to protect themselves and others from the escalating dangers of abusive relationships.

As part of her mission to make this information more accessible, Ruth Patrick Darlene gives public presentations, conducts trauma-informed training sessions, and distributes educational materials online. She shares videos on social media to teach others how to spot subtle forms of abuse, along with other resources such as WomenSV’s domestic violence advocacy guide focused on covert abuse and coercive control.

In this article, we’ll explore the nature of coercive control, distinguish between overt and covert coercive control tactics, and delve into the specific strategies that Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV have identified as critical to understanding and addressing domestic abuse.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control refers to a deliberate pattern of abusive behaviors designed to intimidate, manipulate, isolate, and control an intimate partner. This form of abuse can manifest in multiple ways, including physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, and technology-facilitated abuse. What makes coercive control particularly insidious is that it can be overt — easy to spot — or covert, making it much more difficult to identify and prove.

According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, understanding the different forms of coercive control is key to addressing domestic violence. "Learning how to identify the early warning signs of overt and covert coercive control empowers us to quickly recognize red flags and take action," she explains. "Subtle forms of abuse can go unnoticed and unaddressed for long periods of time, which makes this type of behavior especially dangerous."

Although coercive control is not exclusive to any one gender or relationship dynamic, it is predominantly a gender-based crime perpetrated by men against women. A recent study indicated that nearly one in two women will experience coercive control in their lifetime. Coercive control is a particularly dangerous form of domestic violence because it poses a significant lethality risk, even without a prior history of physical abuse.

The absence of forensic evidence often makes coercive control hard to identify and prove, highlighting the need for greater awareness and education. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV's efforts revolve around making this information more accessible to help survivors and communities recognize the red flags and seek support.

What is Overt Coercive Control?

Overt coercive control refers to behaviors that are aggressive, controlling, threatening, and easily recognizable. These behaviors are often more blatant and can involve both verbal and physical forms of abuse.

Overt coercive control examples:

Overt coercive control can be verbal or physical.

Verbal examples of overt coercive control include direct, explicit threats of harm, especially if the target disobeys or displeases the abuser. Intimidation through fear is a common tactic, like threatening to hunt down or kill a partner if they try to leave or threatening punishment if demands are not met with immediate compliance. Overtly abusive language intended to humiliate, degrade, or control the victim is another hallmark of overt coercive control.

Physical examples of overt coercive control can involve acts of violence such as strangulation, brandishing a weapon, forced sleep deprivation, blocking exits, causing harm to a partner's pet or child, or using dangerous or reckless driving as a form of intimidation.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes that while overt coercive control is alarming and obvious, its danger lies in how it escalates. "There's that element of strategy, strategic thinking, calculating and cunning that goes into the control," she explains.

Survivors of overt coercive control often find themselves in situations where threats turn into actions, and the abuse intensifies over time. This form of coercion can also evolve into subtler tactics, transitioning from overt abuse to covert abuse.

What is Covert Coercive Control?

Covert coercive control, also known as covert abuse, refers to the use of more subtle tactics to threaten, intimidate, isolate and control. The hidden nature of covert abuse makes it difficult to identify, prove and escape from. Covert abuse often goes unrecognized for long periods of time, causing damage to survivors' mental health and progressing to the point where they feel trapped.

"In this case, what you don't know can hurt you," Ruth warns. "It can do serious damage over time."

While subtle forms of abuse may not be immediately obvious, the impact on survivors' health takes a serious toll. Covert coercive control is particularly dangerous because it erodes the victim’s physical and mental health over time. Survivors of covert coercive control face increased risks of mental and physical health issues, from PTSD and depression to chronic pain and autoimmune diseases.

Covert coercive control examples:

Verbal examples of covert coercive control include psychological manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, veiled or implied threats, and isolating an intimate partner. The abuser may turn their partner’s support system against them, often by spreading lies or twisting the truth to make their partner appear unstable.

Physical examples of covert coercive control include indirect threats, like taking out a weapon to clean it during an argument, and sneaky tactics like secretly hiding a partner's car keys or medication to create a sense of dependence. Technology-facilitated abuse tactics can be used to secretly track phones, hack into social media accounts, or use surveillance cameras to monitor a partner's every move.

Survivors often find themselves questioning their own experiences and reality due to the psychological manipulation they've endured. Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes that identifying these subtle tactics early on is a crucial step toward escaping abusive relationships.

The Escalation of Covert Coercive Control Tactics

Covert coercive control, or covert abuse, tends to escalate over time with a pattern of abusive behaviors. As a relationship progresses, and even after it ends, covert abuse tactics may evolve with the abusive partner's increasing desire to exert and maintain control. Recognizing the warning signs early on in a relationship is key to seeking support and safety as soon as possible.

Ruth Patrick Darlene describes covertly abusive relationships as a slippery slope. "If you're in a relationship where the control is incremental, increasing slowly over time, it's much harder to tell the difference between somebody who's trying to help you, someone who's trying to protect you, someone who's concerned about you, somebody who's checking in because they care about you and somebody that is wanting to control you and erode your sense of independence and self esteem over time. Only time will tell."

According to Ruth Patrick Darlene, covert coercive control often follows a predictable cycle that escalates as the relationship progresses. She describes this cycle in three key phases:

1. Early in the Relationship: The "Honeymoon" Phase

At the beginning of an abusive relationship, abusers often engage in love bombing—an overwhelming display of affection that may seem too good to be true. This is often marked by constant communication, grand gestures, and declarations of love that can leave the target feeling special and valued.

However, as time goes on, these behaviors take a darker turn. The constant communication becomes intrusive, and what once seemed like romantic gestures now feels more like stalking. This early phase of covert coercive control is the first step in isolating the victim from their support network.

2. During the Relationship: The Mask Slips

As the relationship progresses, the abuser’s mask begins to slip, and the cycle of abuse becomes more apparent. The following signs may become apparent:

• Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal when the abuser’s demands are not met.

• Accusations and questioning or “grilling” if texts or calls are not immediately answered.

• Financial abuse, restricting a partner’s access to money and resources, increasing their dependence on the abuser.

The abuser may revert to love bombing tactics intermittently to create confusion and keep the victim in a state of cognitive dissonance. This cycle of highs and lows keeps the victim trapped in the cycle of abuse, unsure whether the abuser will revert to their earlier "loving" behavior.

3. After the Relationship: Escalation and Retaliation

Leaving a coercive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a survivor. Covert abusers often escalate their tactics in an attempt to regain control, using:

• Smear campaigns: Spreading false rumors about the survivor to damage their reputation, discredit their words and isolate them from friends and family.

• Legal abuse: Using the court system to prolong contact with the victim, such as filing frivolous lawsuits or vexatious litigation.

• Technology-facilitated abuse: Harassment through social media, revenge porn, or using hidden cameras and surveillance devices to continue monitoring the victim.

Ruth Patrick Darlene warns that these tactics are often employed after the relationship ends as a way to punish and maintain control over the victim.

Resources for Survivors of Overt and Covert Coercive Control

If this has happened to you or someone you know, there is hope. It is possible to break free from the cycle of abuse and begin a new chapter of safety and freedom. Identifying the abuse is the first step; once the issue has been recognized, the process of seeking support and breaking free can begin.

WomenSV maintains a directory of resources for survivors, which includes information about:

• Safety planning: Helping survivors create a personalized plan to protect themselves from further harm.

• Educational materials: Offering information on the different types of abuse and how to recognize them.

• Support groups for coercive control survivors: Connecting survivors with others who have experienced similar forms of abuse.

• Organizations and services: WomenSV's searchable directory of resources provides a list of organizations and resources organized by category and location.

WomenSV also offers training for healthcare providers, law enforcement, and community organizations to help them recognize the signs of covert coercive control and provide trauma-informed care.

To emphasize that it's possible to overcome covert abuse, WomenSV highlights testimonials and success stories shared by survivors. "Living in a world of covert deception and abusive tactics is soul squashing," wrote one survivor, who remarked that after escaping, "I am able to learn to find joy again, self care, and most importantly stop the cycle of violence in raising up the next generation by having peace in our home now."

About Ruth Patrick Darlene:

Ruth Patrick Darlene (also known as Ruth Darlene, Ruth Patrick or Ruth Darlene Patrick) founded WomenSV in 2011. Her advocacy experience serving over 1500 survivors over the past 13 years inspired her efforts to raise awareness around coercive control and covert abuse. Her California domestic violence advocacy and POST certifications further inform her work to teach survivors, communities and providers working in healthcare, law enforcement and education how to recognize and address covert abuse and coercive control.

From Trauma to Triumph: Executive Summary Workshop Presentation at the Domestic Violence Conference

Watch as Rachel McKenzie presents "From Trauma to Triumph: Executive Summary Workshop" at the County of Santa Clara's 30th Annual Domestic Violence Conference, on behalf of WomenSV.

Created by Ruth Darlene, founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, the Executive Summary Workshop is a powerful tool to assist domestic violence survivors in navigating the challenging journey of summarizing their experiences in a clear and concise manner, enabling effective communication with others.

For survivors, putting traumatic experiences into words can be a daunting task, yet it is a crucial step in seeking support. Recognizing this challenge, WomenSV developed a systematic approach to assist survivors in this process.

We extend our heartfelt gratitude to Rachel McKenzie for leading this presentation, sharing valuable insights and offering unwavering support to domestic violence survivors. Together, we strive to empower survivors on their journey from trauma to triumph.

Join us in this important conversation, and together, let's make a difference in the lives of those who have endured and overcome domestic violence.

Sign up for our newsletter and view contact information to schedule a training here.

To donate and help support our mission, click here.

WomenSV Empowers Survivors and Transforms Communities with Support from the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors

At WomenSV we are committed to constantly evolving in order to maximize the positive impact of our programs and services. It is with deep gratitude that we share the results of our efforts over the past year that have been made possible thanks to the support of the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors. Their generous grant of $250,000, spanning four years, has enabled our organization to expand the reach of our services for domestic violence survivors.

WomenSV's mission is to empower survivors, train providers, and educate the community to combat covert abuse and coercive control in intimate partner relationships. We envision a world where every woman and child can live in peace, safety and freedom in their own homes. Our unique focus on covert abuse and coercive control enables us to assist survivors ensnared in relationships with powerful and sophisticated abusers who employ subtle forms of abuse to control and manipulate their partners.

For over a decade, WomenSV has been at the forefront of this critical work, directly assisting over 1,400 women experiencing subtle and insidious forms of abuse. The disbursement of $62,500 for the second year of the grant’s four-year initiative has allowed us to make continued progress toward our goals.

WomenSV’s milestones accomplished over the past fiscal year include:

• Community impact: WomenSV provided direct support to 165 survivors and conducted 999 client interactions, totaling over 1,641 hours of direct client services.

• Support group expansion: The number of weekly support groups tripled, offering tailored programs for survivors at different stages of their journey to find freedom from abusive relationships.

• Team expansion: The grant allowed WomenSV to hire a new Domestic Abuse Advocate and Volunteer Coordinator, increasing our capacity for services.

• Enhanced support: Funding from the grant enabled us to employ a new Administrative Assistant and Social Media Coordinator, bolstering our capacity to reach and assist survivors.

• Advocate mastery: Two key Advocates demonstrated mastery of WomenSV's body of knowledge on coercive control and covert abuse, offering direct support to survivors and taking on greater responsibilities in running day-to-day operations.

• Program development: WomenSV introduced a new Executive Summary Workshop program, where Advocates help survivors of coercive control articulate their story and goals effectively.

• Youth program: WomenSV initiated the development of a Young Adult and Youth Program to educate teens and young adults about early warning signs of coercive control.

• Training and outreach: WomenSV provided 14 presentations and trainings to various organizations and providers, reaching over 1,200 individuals within the community and beyond.

WomenSV's annual survey of survivors, conducted in November 2022, measured the following impacts:

• 89% of survivors reported improved identification and handling of subtle forms of abuse.

• 85% felt more equipped to make informed choices regarding their safety.

• 89% were connected with vital resources and providers.

• 82% of survivors reported feeling more empowered.

As we move forward, we remain dedicated to continuously increasing our positive impact with a renewed focus on education. Our organization is currently growing its capacity for survivor support while building greater community awareness through specialized trauma-informed training programs for professionals working in technology, law enforcement, justice and healthcare systems.

Key priorities for the future include rapidly expanding our infrastructure and programs in close collaboration with our community to ensure our actions continue to make a meaningful difference in the lives of domestic violence survivors. As we work toward making education on subtle forms of domestic abuse more accessible to all, we are also strengthening our defenses against online harassment in order to maintain a safe supportive environment while equipping survivors with vital information to help them thrive.

We are looking forward to the future and immensely grateful for the support of our community and the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors which has enabled us to make significant strides in empowering survivors and educating our community on covert abuse and coercive control.

Empowering Change: WomenSV's New Focus on Education and Prevention of Subtle Domestic Abuse

Over the past 12 years, WomenSV has offered support to more than 1,400 survivors of domestic abuse. Guided by an unyielding commitment to our core mission of empowering survivors, training providers, and educating the public about covert abuse and coercive control, WomenSV has entered a new phase of evolution that holds the promise of even greater impact and community transformation. As the world changes, so too does our approach, and we are excited to share our renewed focus on education and prevention in the realm of subtle domestic abuse.

A Resolute Mission

Founded with a resolute mission to empower survivors with the tools and support they need to reclaim their lives, WomenSV has served as a beacon of hope for those navigating the tumultuous waters of covert abuse. Our journey thus far has been marked by dedication, compassion, and a deep understanding of the complex dynamics that survivors face. We have stood by survivors, walked with them through their healing, and worked tirelessly to ensure their voices are heard.

A New Chapter Unfolds

Today, we stand at the cusp of a new chapter in our organization's journey. Recognizing the evolving needs of survivors and the broader community, WomenSV is embracing education as a cornerstone for lasting change. While our commitment to empowering survivors remains steadfast, our expanded focus on education and prevention is a natural progression, driven by a desire to create a safer world for all.

Education: A Pathway to Empowerment

Education is empowerment, and this philosophy fuels our new direction. By equipping survivors, community members, and professionals with the knowledge and tools to recognize, address, and prevent subtle forms of domestic abuse, we are building a stronger support system for those impacted by coercive control. We believe that informed individuals are better positioned to break free from the chains of abuse and to assist others in their journey to liberation.

Empowering Systems, Protecting Survivors

As we move forward, our focus will be on strengthening our community and provider education. Survivors often encounter a labyrinth of services, and inadvertent re-victimization can occur during this journey. By educating these systems—medical professionals, law enforcement, legal entities, and more—we ensure survivors are met with compassion, understanding, and the support they deserve. This approach amplifies our impact, safeguarding not only the survivors but also those who stand alongside them.

Adapting to the Times

While we remain based in Los Altos, our reach has expanded beyond geographic boundaries. In response to the changing landscape, WomenSV now offers all services remotely, bolstering our ability to serve survivors regardless of their location. This evolution ensures that survivors, regardless of their geographic constraints, can access the support and resources they need to heal and thrive.

Looking Ahead

Our evolution is an ongoing journey, and we are excited to share more about our educational initiatives, provider trainings, and community outreach in the near future. You are warmly invited to stay connected with us on social media, so please click here for a list of all our links!

In the spirit of growth, empowerment, and unity, all of us at WomenSV offer deep gratitude for all of your support in making this transformation possible. Together, we can continue to reshape the narrative around domestic abuse, cultivate awareness, and empower change that resonates for generations to come.

How WomenSV Helps Domestic Violence Survivors

For survivors of domestic violence, the journey to healing and rebuilding their lives can be overwhelming and isolating. Domestic violence nonprofit WomenSV is making a significant impact in the lives of survivors, particularly those who have experienced covert abuse and coercive control. Through their programs and services, WomenSV empowers survivors, trains providers, and educates the community to break the cycle of abuse in intimate partner relationships. WomenSV, helps domestic violence survivors find validation, empowerment, and a sense of hope as they break free from the cycle of abuse.

Ruth Darlene Patrick, WomenSV, on Healing After Domestic Violence

"Being surrounded by individuals who truly understand and empathize with your journey can be immensely empowering. It reminds survivors that they are not alone and that healing is possible."

Learn more about healing after domestic violence from Ruth Darlene Patrick of WomenSV in this article.

11 Ways to Create a Safe Home as a Survivor of Domestic Violence

Via Today's Homeowner: In this article we will shed some light on the crucial steps involved in preparing to leave an abuser. We’ll delve into how to navigate the barriers that often hinder escape, and how to build a safe and secure life in the aftermath, armed with the right resources and support. Because leaving is not just about ending the abuse—it’s about starting anew, on one’s own terms.

Ruth Darlene Patrick, Founder of WomenSV on How to Help a Friend Who is Experiencing Domestic Violence

To support a friend experiencing domestic violence, it's vital to recognize the signs of abuse, approach the friend with care, offer emotional support, and supply valuable resources and practical assistance. By taking these steps, we can contribute to breaking the cycle of abuse and empowering survivors to build healthier lives for themselves and their children.
Learn more from Ruth Darlene Patrick, Founder of WomenSV on How to Help a Friend Who is Experiencing Domestic Violence in the article linked below.